A Methadone Patient Reports
In a message dated 7/24/04 10:27:23 PM: Re: its finally here!
I'm packing up and leaving my place at 4:00 for a 7:00 flight. Nervous? You bet. But excited like you I can't even begin to describe. I can't wait to be up in the air and finally be on my way. Everyone is tip toeing around me thinking that I must be a mess with worry but strangely enough I'm not. I'm completely clam and just so determined to change my life from the inside out. My dependence to Methadone is a nightmare and my illicit drug use is even worse leaving me with a feeling of total disgust and misery. I'm incapable of living a life with any real joy as long as I continue to live like this. The craziest thing is that I used to love dope. I used to be hopelessly addicted to dope because I was in love with the way it made me feel. Now 10 years later, I hate the way it makes me feel and immediately after shelling out 100 bucks to feel anything at all, I am immediately reminded of how much I hate it and wrack my brain to figure out why the hell I did it to myself AGAIN.
I need for this to be it. I need to find out why I keep doing this to myself and break this miserable pattern for once and for all and live the life I'm capable of living, whatever that is. But this just has to be it. I mean I know I'm so much more than a rat that keeps hitting the button until it kills me. I have people who love me and who I love who this is making miserable as well as myself. This just has to be it no matter what. I'm so ready to start a new chapter in my life. That starts now. I'll drop you all a note when I get to my hotel room. Please keep a good thought for me. Thanks for all of your kind words and encouragement and I will have my laptop with me and will keep anyone who is interested up to date. Thanks and God Bless.
In a message dated 7/25/04 4:11:01 PM: I'm sitting on my hotel bed
I'm sitting on my hotel bed in sunny San Diego after taking what has turned out to be the most stressful trip of my life. No ticket waiting for me at JFK then no rervastion on file at the hotel. It hasnt been easy. But tomorrow I'm off to Mexico where my journey really begins. I'm still nervous as hell but it is so worth it. My friends and family are pulling for me like I never even imagined. It would be so cool to come back whole.
I still havent slept since Friday night so I'm gonna try and catch a couple but thanks to all of you and I'll get on when I wake from this well needed nap. BTW- San Diego is beautiful.... weird cuz I think they might have a bigger homeless problem than NY but with this weather that makes sense. Okay I'll be in touch.
In a message dated 7/26/04 11:17:08 AM: Leavin this morning to Mexico.
Hello all. leavin this morning to Mexico. So excited!!! Thanks again, and yes I would consider it it privlage for you to compile all of my rants of before and after and look back on it no matter what the out come. But lets do a spell check and throw some grammer in there to make it a little more bearable to read. But I have faith that the outcome will be a positive one or at least I have a good feeling that I'm gonna get what I need from this as well as loosing this nasty habit of mine.
My approch and my resolve are so different than they've ever been. Just one example is that since I started shooting dope almost 10 years ago I have always been interested in "tar". Always curious why its powder on the east and mostly tar out here in California. I always thought it was funny that all the west coast dopefiends that found there way to NY would alwayts talk about how much better the dope is out west and always wondered if the dope was so much better why were they living on the street in NY in the winter? Anyway my m.o. has always been when I get to a new city is to find the "hood" find someone who has that "dope look", we all know so well, and find drugs. my versious of a tourist attraction, if you will. So when I got here it was obvious that I'd probably have a very easy time copping and I could finally try the tar... and then I'd be done. But it was the most fleeting thought I've had. Something inside of me said "thats not why were here". And that was that. Needing to know, or my sick curiousity has got me where I am today. I thought about all the people pulling for me and my poor mom after all these years still by my side and that was it. I've shot enough shit for at least 5 or 6 lifetimes. ENOUGH! And strangely enough that was it. Gone.
I drank my last bottle of methadone this morning and poured my extra bottle down the toilet. So now I really am 3,000 miles way with no methadone and it feels fuckin great. Totally different than that terrible feeling of fear that has come over me in the past. I did fuck up and forget my Nexium and that does fill me with a little fear but I'm sure the doctors will take care of that. I'm gonna eat breakfest now but I'll drop you all a note once I'm settled in Mexico.
In a report dated 7/26/04: IBOGAINE: My Journey Inside
So I'm finally here and more ready to be free than I've ever been. Well that's just it, my perception is different. For quite some time now I haven't enjoyed doing drugs. I go through the process and spend the money and obviously then there's the ritual, but then almost instantaneously I get this horrible empty feeling that comes over me, a mix of guilt and sadness and disgust and every time I say to myself "remember this, it makes you even more miserable than you usually do, not to mention 100 bucks or so poorer" but for some strange reason I wake up in the morning and I forget how badly I felt just the night before and by the evening or at best the following week it starts all over again. Methadone plays a huge part in keeping me in that destructive behavior because there is no light at the end of the tunnel. There is no walking away or even going to a detox. You are stuck and a junkie, and addict whether you like it or not. And when those things are undeniable, feeling like a failure, and a waste of a good body and mind are unavoidable. Going through that pathetic process is so much easier. Hurting myself seems like a good trade off to the possibility of escaping what I've done to myself . And maybe its not that I'm looking to get high because as I've said I do not get much enjoyment out of it but one thing is for sure, when I get in that drug seeking mode I no longer think about anything else. Those feelings of failure and inadequacy are no longer at the forefront of my mind anyway, because I have something else on my mind.
I just know that if I can free myself from the methadone the resolve to stay away from drugs will be almost a certainty in my case. Ibogaine, well what can I say. I'm scared to death by some of the things I've read and more hopeful than I can ever remember being by others. But the positive things certainly have outweighed the negative and persuaded me enough to make the decision to travel across the country to detox in a week. Something that would have taken me more than a year had I attempted to do it by tapering. And who am I kidding? Tapering slowly was never an option for me. A life on Methadone is just about the most depressing thing I could imagine. It makes you feel so marginalized, so less than, with that being said I couldn't stand it another minute. Another year? Let me just say that I don't think it would have been pretty had I continued one more day than I had. Liquid handcuffs is the best way I've ever heard it put. And I'm not going to touch on what a hell that year would be physically as well as mentally.
So I drank my last bottle yesterday morning and I had another for this morning but I dumped in the toilet. It felt great. The feeling of knowing that I didn't have to drink a poison one more day. A poison that was destroying my my hopes and my dreams all to avoid being just about as sick as you could imagine. What a terrible way to live.
I just took the ibogaine. Let the healing begin! Better lay down. One more thing before I blast off. Life is so short and in a lot of ways I've wasted many good years. But I can take the power back and turn that time wasted around into time that led me to this point in my life. A starting off point where I learn from my mistakes and maybe if I'm really lucky help others to learn from my mistakes.
My body is beginning to vibrate and I feel like my heart is beating fast but not that fast (140 per minute)... its almost time. Then the strangest thing happens... Although terrified I begin to smile in a way I can only remember smiling as a child. Not that sneaky smile or an embarrassed smile that I've known for me whole adult life. As I try to stop it only gets bigger.
So Miles Davis starts off with Autumn leaves and the smile gets even bigger!!!!... and then into The Birth of the Cool. I knew it was coming on strong when the sound was no longer coming from my ears and instead directly from the back of my brain. Then bear with me, lots of cartoony things that I was trying to follow but was having a hard time with geometric patterns and then pictures of the most beautiful churches I had ever seen maybe not from this world but who knows (eyes closed) but then as the music kept going I started to feel as if with every note every sound every instrument was playing a part in fixing my head. Its extremely hard to explain in words after 3 hours thinking more than hallucinating with my eyes closed the things I've done, the friends I've lost and lots of random thoughts too that were profound at the time and may have played a big part in my sub conscious but when I look back not much of it made clear sense. However when I would open my eyes the ibogaine effects were obvious. furious flashes of light off of everything. Not the trails I remember from my LSD mescaline days these were much sharper and distinct. Then maybe four hours in I started to get very sweaty and the ibogaine was well on but out of nowhere, which I now know was part of the experience for me, I started to get sicker and sicker to the point that I somehow stood up and held the wall to get down stairs and from what I hear that is quite early to come down a flight of stairs and not to mention these were marble stairs!!!! I came down to let my caretakers know that I was getting sick. Then when I looked at there faces and hear them talking about me in the background the sickness began to consume me and I was terrified I though OH MY GOD I'M STRANDED IN MEXICO AND THIS SHIT ISN'T WORKING FOR ME!!!! but something was different AND I FELT IT I kept hearing my own voice telling me "remember this...REMEMBER THIS FEELING" they gave me more ibogaine and in 10 to 15 minutes I was off. Came back upstairs and went completely inside my body. I watched this things in my body shoot off like guizers WATCHING MY BODY CLEAN UP INTERNALLY, the ibogaine was working and I had a front row seat!!!! I think at this point I was so overwhelmed with what I had been though that I literally passed out after another couple of hours. I then came down stairs and out of the dark room about 6 hours later and all of a sudden I realized that I was no longer sick and that it worked!!! . I couldn't believe that was it. I kept asking the caretakers if that was it or were the withdrawals coming back but they didn't or at least 95 % gone and did not return. But as for the ibogaine it was far from over. The next hours and into the next few days "weeks in retrospect" I have had a clarity of mind that I can't ever remember having. I am seeing life though new eyes. I felt a forgiveness that I have never known before. A lot of laughing and a lot of crying and this is coming from someone who just doesn't cry over the next few days but all feeling and its wonderful. Trails, or the sharp bolts of light, for days and but they only start after it gets dark and there kinda fun. As for the day time everything feels as if I'm almost experiencing it for the first time. Even getting back to NYC after being gone for two weeks was different. NY was different. . My sense of smell and taste brand new. I would consider this one of the most worthwhile experiences of my life, it saved my life!!!!!!!!
I took small doses of Ibogaine for the next week every day to allow the noribogaine build up and I'm gonna guess that it worked because no craving for anything but pot and its been 22 days since my last dose of methadone or any other opiate. I'm not going to lie here, this experience is far from a cake walk and 22 days later I'm only getting 4 or 5 hours of sleep and still a lot of diraria but I think that might have been something I picked up in Mexico. But nothing in comparison to the kind of hell coming of narcotics the conventional way. This is nothing short of a gift from god, a god of some kind I'm not sure what to think anymore, but certainly feel a oneness with the universe that I can't ever remember knowing, a peace, the noise in my head finally silenced. This needs to be more readily available to people in need and for me I feel anyone lucky enough to experience this has to show it the respect it deserves and for me that means staying far away from the things that brought me to that terrible place I was before the ibogaine, maybe even a debt of some sort to pay back which is purely a personal thing but think of the lives that could change with a little more education.
There is no such thing as a magic pill and it all depends on me now but ibogiane showed me I have choices and that life is just begining and that addiction IS reversable.
In a message dated 8/6/04 5:41:36 AM: Back in New York
Hello all and thanks for all of your warm thoughts. The experience was life changing to say the least and I now have a sense of peace I never even believed possible. Forgiven, and not in the sense I thought I needed to be, but more an understanding, a clarity, a new beginning, a totally fresh start with not only the obsession to use removed but OBSESSION in general removed. My mom saw me last night for the first time in weeks and cried as soon as she opened the door so that must say something. I think she said something like your eyes look like they did when you were a little boy. And the funny thing is I feel like I'm now seeing through those eyes she talked about. Oh I'm just still so blown away. Unfortunately I caught a bug from the water or ice in Mexico and I'm now on cypro but I'm so fuckin grateful it can't get me down.
I wrote a whole big thing on the experience itself but I'll have to wait to charge my laptop in order to get that out to all of you. But Miraculous is just about the best word I can come up with this early in the morning. I will go into detail later but I wanted to let all of you know that it was more successful than I ever dreamed it would be. I've been traveling for the past 5 days and just didn't feel like doing much of anything but being with myself so my bad if anyone was wondering how things worked out. 10 days no methadone and I feel and look better than I have in years and years.
As soon as I get this stupid laptop charged I will forward my journal. In my humble opinion, anyone who has been fortunate enough to have this life changing experience has to give back or at least pass the word. This is to important to be minimized. Love to all and I'll be in touch soon.
In a message dated 8/13/04 6:46:52 PM: Still without my laptop
Still without my laptop which is getting really annoying especially LATE at night when i feel like I'm the only one still up. But no better city in the world for that than the one that doesn't sleep. Anyway I wanted to let you all know that there are other success stoires in NYC. I'm still fighting the good fight. My last dose of meth and last shot of dope was on the 25th of last month. So thats what... almost 20 days? Wow that feels really good to say out loud. But the fundimantal difference of this vs. everything I've ever tired in the past is NO CRAVING WHAT-SO-EVER! Its as if I feel like I have something inside of me that is working with me or rather taking care of me. Did that make sense? I literally am terrified of opiates now. However, for me instead of taking any Valium or any kind of sleep aid I'm finding that pot has helped to sooth my stomach and make me comfortable but I know in my heart of hearts that once I'm feeling 100%. I'll take a little break from that as well. But MY GOD what a difference. I feel like a brand new man. Can't wait till the sun goes down. Be in touch soon.
In a message dated 8/14/04 7:07:43 AM: I think the THOUGHT
I think the THOUGHT is always there... its who we are, or at least who I was... but a thought and a craving are very different in my opinion. When I have put together about 12 hours of sleep in the past 3 weeks of course the thought is there, its all I really have known how to deal with anything in the past... "if I did a half a bag right now I just know I'd sleep" but as I said its a thought vs. a craving where some kind of action or scheming would be involved. I'm not entertaining those thoughts. So maybe to clarify I will instead say that the OBSESSION has been removed. Better?
Another tough night, but waking up and going out in the sun and feeling grateful is a feeling I just can't ever remember having and I have had that feeling every day since the 26th.
In a message dated 8/18/04 7:13:20 AM Day 22
Day 22, I went out last night to east Hampton at the end of Long Island and went to the transcendental meditation thing but to be quite honest my stomach was bothering the hell out of me so it was hard to get into it. But afterwards, I smoked a (little) pot and walked on the beach for an hour or so and swam a little and when I came off the beach I felt great. My friends from out this way came by and we went to a bar that some kid I grew up with just opened over the weekend, everyone drank, but I just simply didn't feel the need, I was enjoying the clarity too much. And anyone who knows me knows that when everyone is on there first beer I'm usually on my 3rd or 4th and I realized last night that comes from this place in me that says " hurry up and drink so that you can be as comfortable in your own skin as everyone else appears to be" but this was so different because for the first time that I can remember in years I am comfortable in my own skin and I don't want to fuck with it.
Then the best part, I start running into all of these people who know how fucked up I was and every single one of them could not believe the difference. It felt so good because its been a long time since people told me how great I was looking. I wasn't ready to go into the whole "I took Ibogaine and it saved my life speech" although a few know. I decided to go with the "I went to Mexico and it changed my life" instead. But there's this confidence I have now that I haven't had in a long time and I know that is from not having that terminally different thing where I felt I had to shoot dope to feel like I appeared normal. What a lie.
Headin back to the city this morning. I'm so glad I took this time and didn't try and jump back into life so quickly. Its all still there waiting for me, even my way overdue rent, but I feel I've given myself some of the time I needed to heal. I've never been this broke in my life but its not important. I have to give up my apt. at the end of this month and even thats not important. I just feel my options are limitless now instead of that horrible feeling I felt all the time like I was backed into a corner and things were never going to change.
Enough out of me. Good luck to all this weekend you'll be in my thoughts.
In a message dated 8/22/04 1:49:07 PM: There is no doubt
There is no doubt about it, I am determined to change my life in just about every area imaginable. For me, and I am very careful about starting off like that after witnessing a few sessions,and giving my own input before hand, but anyway for me, I took Ibogaine for 7 days in Mexico and then I went to California for a week and then on the 9th day off I was still feeling some residual withdrawal, but keep in mind that I was on a shit load of methadone, anyway I came back home and took 1/3 of the dose of Ibogaine I was taking in Mexico for two days and I truly believe that second or 8th and 9th dose got me over the hump and cleaned up that residual withdrawal because I think it was that next day that I started running. Actaully the first dose back at home was the night I met you. :o)
The lack of sleeping as you can imagine is wearying but not close to as wearying as any day out there shooting dope. I'm back to getting maybe 5 hours sleep but no matter what time I go to sleep I wake up at 7:00 am. I got home at 4 last night and same thing like clockwork 7:00 and I'm up. And I was never an early riser as you can imagine. So yeah, my plan is to wait another 5 or 6 weeks and then do a full therapeutic dose one last time and my main reason is that I feel like I was really close to going to that next level, it was as if I could reach out and touch it but I couldn't get there. I think and maybe I'm wrong, but if I have a clean body and a completely open heart and mind this time I might get there. Has it crossed my mind that like everything else I've done, do I want to do more for the sake of doing more, but thats honestly not it at all. Its a very arduous thing and obvious not for kicks but I think one more visit might do me a whole lot of good.
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The Ibogaine Dossier