The Ibogaine Dossier
The Ibogaine Dossier


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courtesy MathildeAmsterdam, NL

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The anecdotal reports on this page have not been verified by The Ibogaine Dossier.

IBOGA . An Ibogaine Experience


7pm February 23rd

Ingested small amount of Ibogaine Hydrochloride. Nastiest Taste I have tasted besides Stomach Bile. Actually it tastes just like bile. But that is OK. From everything I have read and studied, I will be in good company with Ibogaine. I am anxious for sure, and clear on the following: I want to be off of Methadone and all opiates, I am ready for a profound change for the better in my life, and I want to address the issue of fear in my life: the fear of success, the fear of abandonment, and my inability to complete things that I set out to do, which I believe stems from the fear. Or does it? Perhaps I will know after meeting the Bwiti. I just hope that I can stomach the rest of the dose. That would be nice. After taking a shower I am feeling a sense of well being. I feel good. I am not sure how much Ibogaine I took, perhaps 100-200mgs of the hydrochloride. I am now about to take the rest of the dose.

After taking the sample to test alergic reation, I took the remainder of the dose. Very, VERY bitter. My stomach burned. My chest ached, I think it was heart-burn from an upset stomach. I laid down.

I asked my guide if he would like to write down the things I said. "I see the ceiling of that church we were in." It was spinning around like a whirlwind.

Sat up, drank water and rinsed out mouth, laid back down. "I'm feeling pretty nervous. Sweaty palms. I feel OK, though."

"Guide, could you let some fresh air in here?" (I could feel the radiator pouring dry air across my body, it was very uncomfortable)

"I feel some bed spins. It feels like I am rocking back and forth. It doesn't matter whether my eyes are closed or open. I've lost my equilibrium. No, its worse when I close my eyes. Heart is pounding"

"It's very uncomfortable"

"Spinning. It seems like when I try to slow it down, it just goes faster. It feels like I am in some sort of space ship, going through a tube. Its hard to keep my eyes open because I get too dizzy. It's very intense. I get a feeling like I'm feeling the earth spinning beneath me. In space. It feels like there is a magnet holding my body to the ground."

"Traveling through space. Its getting hard to talk.." At this point I could see a vaporous glow, burning off of my body. At first I thought my soul was burning through the earth's atmosphere, but then it felt like it was a cleansing, Toxins leaving my body. I think at this point I was either told or knew myself that I was "of the light". I had chosen the light over the darkness. It was divine, sacred, colorful, Beautiful beyond description. I felt/saw/experienced my soul rising through the eons, blazing in its glory and magnificance. I was traveling at an incredible speed, the stars were blurring past me, it must have been the speed of light or faster. It was uncomfortable, but not unbearable. I was not on the earth, although I could feel my physical body weighted down. It was strange, a separation. It was extremely intense, and extremely beautiful. I was shown many images, from ancient times. Marble structures, laboratory equipment, all made of marble. From pre-history, the time of the Gods, I thought. I saw things that might have been inspired or suggested from the church I visited earlier in the day, but they were different, visibly divine, sacred, ALIVE. Eminating a life force. I saw faces, many, many faces. Somehow I knew that they were me. My past lives. There were many women faces. Of all nationalities and race. It was spiritual, ecstacy, loving.

I was shown a laboratory where humans were created. Or perhaps this was not shown to me but I saw something I had pondered as a possibility, that humans were created to serve a race of higher beings as a subservient race, servants and slaves. To mine for gold and other precious minerals. I asked very few questions, I was in pain. I asked or thought "where did all this pain I have come from," I think refering to this life-time, and I was shown an image of a dying man, in a hospital bed, who was in tremendous pain. He wanted to die in peace, with no pain. I saw a young boy, reach out to him and in his innocence and naivity, he took the pain from the man and the man died free of his pain. I believe that young boy was me, that I had taken, unknowingly, this incredible pain. I am not sure if it was this lifetime or not. I asked what happened to the old man, and was told "He won't ever do that again." This was a disembodied voice relating all this to me. It was a very graphic and gruesome scene. The old man's pain was very evident. But I wasn't scared. The boy admired the old man, and looked at him with compassion and deep love. At some point I saw faces looking down on me, tribal compassionate faces, maybe 5 or 6 of them, male and female. They were african, tribesmen with grey afro hair, and very old, yet with beautiful complexion of skin. They appeared to be looking over me, urging me on. That was a threshold, that I was unsure of, and I didn't go across it. I started to travel through the stars again, this time I couldn't tell if it were forward or backward. Also at some point I was taken to the bowels of the earth, where humans were enslaved in some sort of a mine, there was rock and stones and dirt, and I was there, trying desperately to claw my way out, with bare fingers, even if it took the rest of my life. And I did thrust my hand into daylight. There was more, but it is hard to even begin to articulate what I saw.

"I would like my blood pressure checked." Pulse is 110.

"Still uncomfortable.These earplugs are strange. They make me hear everyhting in my body"

"Holding. I'm in some sort of a star-base, waiting for something. I feel very old right now, like I have been around for a LONG time on earth." I think I was told this, I also think I was told "you are of the light", but I am not sure if I just knew that. Well, I did know it but have denied it many many times.

"I might puke"

"I am feeling a little better"

"I am going to throw up. Yummy. It's just bile." It was very painful. I was having my doubts, because of the uncomfortableness, because I wondered if I could leave my methadone behind me. I considered at several points taking the antidote, but I had come so far, waited so long, I had to see this through. There was no turning back.

A long period of being very uncomfortable. Images had passed. I ached. I felt as though I had somehow failed. I imagined that I was told to go back, that I needed to take care of something. I knew what it was: Honesty. I had lied and stolen from some very kind people in my addiction, and had yet to deal with that. At first I felt rejected, that I was not allowed a full initiation. It was crushing, and my doubts returned. I felt darkness. I was scared. At some point I managed to sit up, for I was extremely uncomfortable. It helped, but it was very difficult to move. My guide massaged my back, and that felt good.
NOTE: even though I am noting the time periods, I had no recollection of time at all. My guide wrote down the times of my remarks and any actions. During this last time period I was extremely nauseous.

"Its passing. Finally. It was really uncomfortable."

I began to relate to my guide the things I had experienced. "I experienced a certainty that the relationship with my girlfriend and her son is something I desire very much." I saw myself laying with them both, in golden light and bliss. I related much more to my guide, most of what I have added in above after the quotation marks. Having a caring and understanding (one who has been there) is paramount. I am forever grateful for his kindness.

At this point I woke from about 1/2 hour of light sleep. I was exhausted. Ibogaine is an ordeal, for sure!

"Feeling very sore and stiff".

I was offered a tangerine, and ate it. It was very very good. Slowly, everything must be done very slowly.

"I thought about the high from heroin, that it was at this point attractive to me. It always was, but there was no way I could picture myself putting that shit in my body. No fucking way.

"Humor is very important. The Bwiti have a sense of humor." I relayed this to my guide because I had recalled getting side tracked during the imagery portion, and I would stop and question the image "Is this just in my mind, or is someone showing this to me?" when a female voice came from the Bwiti tribeswoman "Of course it's in your mind. It's all in your mind" and she trailed off with laughter. It felt good to hear laughter. There are more things I just cannot articulate. They defy words. I wish I could share these things with you. They are deep and profound.

During the next 18 hours I rested and talked with my guide. I no longer felt that I had failed anything, that perhaps the focus of this journey was to eliminate the narcotics from my system. I feel no withdrawal at this point. At one point I drifted off to sleep, sort of, and was visited by my junkie lover. (In reality, as I understand it in this human form, I have no junkie lover. She is a spirit of darkness.) She was standing in an alleyway, next to a staircase, typical Junkie digs. She was beautiful and temptingly she held a syringe out to me. "I want it" she said passionately, full of sexuality and want. "Don't you want it too? I said" No". I knew I couldn't. I just couldn't. ... She exclaimed "WHAT? (with even more passion and beauty) You Used To! You want it, don't you? Please fix me!" I said no again, and I might have said something else but she drifted away. It was obvious she needed me to sustain her habit. I cannot describe both the sense of loss, and the feeling of freedom when I told her "no". But this was a very, very important part of the process. It was, to me, a symbol of letting go of my darkness. We all have to say goodbye sometime. I found myself seeing her again, while wide awake, in my minds eye, beckoning me I was then compelled to tell her, in love, "Good bye. Good Luck. May you find your light." I was overcome with emotion, and very, very thankful. Still Feeling NO withdrawal. It was a wonderous, divine, sacred experience. I now question many things I percieved as truth, and now see them as perhaps illusion, a misunderstanding, convoluted version of the human truth. I know that I am eternal. And that beauty beyond my wildest imagination awaits me. But first I have things to acomplish.

Ibogaine is a very special substance. It was worth the wait, the aggravation, the expense, the anxiety, the pain, the suffering. At least for today it is. It is Wednesday now, nearly 72 hours since I last took any Methadone. I feel very weak, but I am not experiencing any withdrawal symptoms, other than a sensitive stomach, but is is always sensitive. I am weary and must rest.

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